majesty

"if there were a map of the solar system, but instead of stars it showed people and their degrees of separation, my star would be the one you had to travel the most light-years from to get to his. you would die getting to him. you could only hope that your grandchildren's children would get to him. but they wouldn't know what to do; they wouldn't know how to hold him. but he would be dead; he would be replaced by his great-grandson's beautiful strapping son. his son's will all be beautiful and strapping royalty, and my daughters will all be middle-aged women working for a local nonprofit and spearheading their neighborhood earthquake-preparedness groups. we come from long lines of people destined to never meet."

october 28, 2007

"me and anna went to waffle house today. that girl makes me think. i love it. we talk about everything. it's funny how when other people come, we stop talking about important things. we gossip and shit talk. we were there for about 3 hours by ourselves. we have good conversations. she asks me questions about how i feel about certain things and then she listens. she really cares about what i have to say, which is a relief. most people just like to hear themselves talk, it's really frustrating. but not with her. i swear, i would have gone my whole life without thinking about some of those things if it weren't for her. she's my best friend."

hello old, stupid journal entry. and goodbye, i guess.

i want outta here

i've had it! i am totally ready to get the hell out of here. i wish i would have gone to real college, i wish i would have saved money instead of blowing it so that i could have an apartment by now.

a year ago, i was glad i was staying home. no way did i consider myself ready to be by myself, away from my mom, and having to do things alone. now, i could not be more frustrated with this place. i had no idea that i would get tired of living here, of needing so badly to meet new people and make new friends.

and, my mom is starting to date some total creepo. he spent the night!? while i was here, in my room? yes. gross. and he was drunk. OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE. mom, please wait to rebel until i'm gone. i want outta here.

i like orange juice way too much

"I'm going to pick us up some dancing music too, Haylee. (Maybe I can find a single of "At Last" by Etta James)
And you're going to take your record player outside, and put on a cute summer dress, and we're going to dance in your backyard at sunset to that song.
The End.
hmm. Maybe that's a bit to picturesque."


uh...
i don't know.

spring break

me and taylor need new friends. ours are crazy bitches and i couldn't be more sick of it. have you ever had a friend that treats you like they're your boyfriend? well, it's ridiculous! so we've decided to just hang out with boys. even though they sometimes act like girls, too.

we went shopiing at norhtpark yesterday. got lots of summer clothes. didn't see the jonas brothers, though.

AS TALL AS LIONS TONIGHT!!! oh, man i'm so pumped. even if this was the worst spring break ever, tonight will make up for it.
woooo!

recap

ze birthday party was on friday. my mom even got me a keg. there wasn't a million people there like usual, which is probably because we didn't promote it as well as the others. it was good. taylor, anna, ep, brian, and clint slept over. clint wore my victoria's secret sweatpants.

i've been racking my brain ever since my mom got me 300 dollars towards my next tatto, trying to decide exactly what i want. i'm thinking something tree-ish on my shoulder area. my sister made me this really cool picture, it's me and i'm all andy warhol-like. she always gets me the coolest shit.

brian gave me his limited edition atal vinyl. no, i mean LIMITED edition. it's 12 out of 100 in the whole world. AND it's signed? no no no no no. no, brian. i can't take that. i told him i'm giving it back. but i have listened to it every day since.

i miss matt.

you'd better look alive

on tuesday i turned 19. and i only got a million text messages/comments/calls. even my 8 year old little brother called me. who didn't? oh that dad guy. he did send me a card that had a cow on it and read "happy birthday. i love you- dad." whatever, you know. i don't expect anything from that guy. then we all went to california pizza kitchen and i got 300 dollars towards my next tattoo. GREAT!

last night taylor, alex, hope, and i went to see t.i. he fucking rocks. it's like he's such a goddamn gangster but he keeps it real. on the realz. it was raining, of course, and my hair went to shit. hope got some random girl to buy her a drink. the opening act got booed off the stage and even though i agreed that they sucked, i just find that totally unnecessary. t.i. even brought this kid from his t.v. show and let him perform with him. what a sweetheart. i hope he doesn't go to jail.

birthday week

tomorrow: anatomy and physiolgy lab practical
tuesday: BIRTHDAY OMGZWHJBFVQEHJFB!!!!!!!!!!! [dinner with the famz and taylor/mini party?]
wednesday: taylor, hope, alex and i attend t.i.'s paper trail tour WTFYAY!!
thursday: nothing cool
friday: birthday party woot!
saturday: emarosa show

take only what you need from it

i'm getting a little irritated that all of my friends are sick. fuckin' flu. me and brian keep fighting, which is stupid because we aren't even dating. precisely why i don't do the whole "boy" thing. MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 3 DAYS!!! dude, i'm so pumped. gon' be 19, ya'll! these are just dumb blurbs.

i also think that everyone should make an account on last.fm to expand your musical horizon. and go buy mgmt's album oracular spectacular.

developmental psych essay two

I don’t really believe that one event has completely defined who I am, although I am a lot different after the two and a half year relationship I was in. In November 2005, I starting dating a boy named Alex. Alex was definitely the life of the party, and he was absolutely adorable. The first time I met him, one of his friends pointed out the tattoo on his upper back which was Foo Fighters lyrics “if anything could ever feel this good forever, if anything could ever be this real again” and underneath it, his mom’s name with her birth and death year. I was smitten. I remember the night he officially asked me to be his girlfriend; I sat in my room and forced myself to realize that I was setting myself up to get hurt. Surely, he did hurt me and two months later I found out he had cheated on me. At this point, we had already exchanged I love you’s, and even though I was only fifteen, I really did love him. It was something out of a really sad movie, I called him over and he denied it until I just told him to tell the girl to stop saying things like that. A couple minutes later he comes running back in my room with tears rolling down his face and that beautiful head of hair all messed up like he had been running his fingers through it for hours, telling me that it’s true, that he did do this to me. I had always told myself I would never ever put up with something like that, so I broke up with him. After weeks of presents and notes left on my bed and flowers sent to my high school, I gave in and got back together with him. The next year was good, minus the minor break ups and jerk-like tendencies of his. About a year and a half into our relationship I find out that it’s happened again and this time, with someone I considered a friend. This instance, it wasn’t as severe a cheating as the first time, and we were on one of our ritualistic break ups already so I was spared another nasty confrontation filled break up. About two months later, when we’re back together and it happens again, this time with a childhood friend of mine. I was a seventeen year old basket case. Every night I cried myself to sleep and every day I was faking sick or asking my mom to call me out of school, only to come home and cry in the room that I had filled with him. I was determined to fix this boy, no matter how many times my heart was just absolutely crushed. I gave him chance after chance, each time with an open mind that things were different, and they were, for a little while. Seven months ago I realized that he was treating me like I was the one who had been dishonest and unfaithful so many times. He texted me all day, every day and when I wouldn’t respond quick enough or even when I did, I would get the usual 21 questions about who I was with, how I knew these people, what I was doing, what we were planning on doing, etc. He made fun of me in front of his friends and was an absolute sweetheart when we were alone. I didn’t have any male friends because he didn’t like that. I got tired of not trusting him, of hearing stories of his “infidelities” only to find out later that the stories weren’t true. Everyone was out to get us, everyone wanted to see us crash and burn. I was done with him trying to control me and the things I did, especially when he had not a single reason not to trust me. I was done with him being mean to me to try to look cool in front of a crowd, I was done with him drinking excessively and being terrified he would become the same drunk of a father I had, yelling at my mother and slapping her around. I was done with being so sad and feeling so broken every day. Looking back, I feel like it was an addiction. We never stayed broken up for more than a month, and every time I would say “No, really, this is it. I’m done.” So, I’ve been sober for almost eight months and I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Throughout all this, I’ve learned to stay positive and stop focusing on negative things, and to live with an open mind and not pass judgment, because you never know how to handle a situation until you’re actually in it. Now, I can’t stand to be around people with a negative vibe, or involved in a conversation where people are just being mean or hateful. Now, I absolutely dread commitment and would rather hang out with my best friends than do anything else with anyone else and I am so much more social than I have ever been. Now, I can’t imagine ever going back to something like that, to living the way I was. I don’t regret being with him- I’m glad that he taught me all those life lessons, I just wish they hadn’t come at me so fast. I couldn’t just let him string me along until he found himself. I was tired of putting so much energy into hating him. So I forgive him. I forgive him for every horribly, awful, traumatizing thing he has done to me, but I’ll never forget it.

having high school friends sucks

the night before last, matt's parents found out that he smoked CIGARETTES. and now he's grounded forever. i can't fucking wait until all of my friends graduate and don't have to worry about really dumb shit like that.
so me, taylor, dylan and matt hung out this morning and smoked some bud because they didn't have to be at school until 12:30. and it'll be the last time for a while :(

so i'm bummed, BUT MY BIRTHDAY IS IN A WEEK.
i'm 19, ya'll!