semi intervention

this morning on my way to school:
i was in the far right lane on the highway and a white SUV to my left starts coming into my lane fixing to hit me, so i slam on my breaks and swerve and the white SUV hits the back right corner of my car which caused me to spin around completely and do a couple 360's, landing me in the middle of the lanes facing oncoming traffic and a semi truck hits me head fucking on. that caused me to spin a couple more times and i slam into the far left wall of the HOV lane. there had to have been at least 8 police cars and some fire trucks and an ambulance. and the majority of the time i kept thinking "shit, i caused all this traffic. i'm such a bitch" and being grateful that no one was in there with me. my car is totaled. and all i have are some lacerations on my right arm/hand from the glass and a burn on my chest from the airbag. i didn't even need stitches.

i keep hearing how lucky i am. the paramedics said they've seen people not make it from accidents a lot less severe. and for the first time in a while, i do feel lucky. odd as it sounds, i feel like i needed this. it's put a lot in perspective for me. i should have died today, and i would have died not as thankful as i should be. i have the most amazing best friend i could ever fathom. and i keep bitching about not having any more friends and being bored when i should really be thanking 'god' or the universe or who the fuck ever that i've got taylor banks, and my sister and michael, and my mom and everyone else that just gives a shit about me.

so fuck this. i refuse to dwell on all the good times i had with bad people. because if you guys can't fucking get off your goddamn high horse and be a little nicer to me, then fuck you. i don't care about you, especially if you don't care about me. i appreciate the memories but that's all they are now. this is it. i am letting you go. so please, go.

saturday night

yesterday, taylor and i went to good records on greenville avenue for their 9th birthday party. when we got there, i was so intimidated by all the cool ass people it was ridiculous. i thought it would be a good idea. you know, get our of the house, socialize. but we didn't know anyone there so it was kind of awkward just talking to each other. so we left, and around 11:30 we weren't doing anything but watching amityville horror in my bed and we think, "hey, that party is going on until 2:00 AM, we should go back." but of course we didn't want to go by ourselves again. so i hit up preston and he says he'll go, but he doesn't have his car so we have to go pick him up at his house, which is 20 minutes in the opposite direction. so we get there at about 12:45 and there's barely anyone there. huge disappointment. but preston immediately sees this guy he knows from his history class(who is gorgeous) and goes to talk to him. and then the gorgeous guy's creepy friend talks to me and taylor the whole time. so we stand outside good records and talk and talk and talk and every once in a while someone stops us to ask if they can have a ride, or where something is, or why there is a big stage in the parking lot of good records.

so eventually we walk across the street to taco cabana because the boys are hungry. and we see this guy sitting in a chair totally passed out. this cop goes up to him and hits his arm a couple times and he won't wake up, so he gets another officer to help pick him and arrest him. and immediately after that, a group of very loud, obnoxious, and obviously drunk young adults come barging in the doors, and the police don't do shit. i'd rather have 10 of the sleeping guys behind me than all of those assholes who were screaming in my ear and falling everywhere.

we go outside and the boys eat, and they creepy friend is talking about his job, which he explained earlier when i wasn't paying attention, but instead staring at the cute boy and wondering what he's doing taking to preston. it turns out the guy does something with filming. commercials and shows and such, and he knows chace crawford. what the hell!? we all knew chace grew up in dallas and his dad actually works in plano, but no one actually knows the guy, but the creepy boy does! it takes me a while to believe him and he says how he even has his phone number, so he pulls out his phone and goes to a contact listed as "chace c." that has a 310 area code and is obviously his number, because no one spells chace like that. so i start memorizing the first 6 number and he realizes what i'm doing and freaks out and takes the phone away. when we leave, taylor says "oh my god. i have chace crawford's phone number." WHAT!? it turns out she memorized it very quickly. so now we have his phone number. but what to do with it? there's no way to go about contacting him without him thinking we're total creeps. which i guess is the truth. successful night.

hello, future.

taylor and i went to my seester's last night. it was quite enjoyable. and i'm totally moving into the little house/duplex thing behind hers. i can't wait. all we've got to do is convince taylor's parents to let her move there, which she says she can do. so COOL! i'm starting to like all these changes. things are looking up, y'know? i'm attempting to make new friends in the dallas area, i'll have my own place, i'll be the fuck out of mesquite, i can do whatever i want! this is awesome, really. i'm really excited for the future for the first time in way too long.

wtwta!

I CAN NOT WAIT. CAN NOT. OH MY GOD. BEST MOVIE OF 2009? YES!
and the fucking arcade fire is in the background. no way could it get any more perfect.

this town really gets to me

i hope everyone goes barefoot on thursday.


also, ftsk wrote a song about my current life situation:
wake up you're a drama queen, carry on like your supposed to be. get way, hurry up, come on.

how long have you been in your bedroom? it's been 3 days straight with the sheets and your pillows. the clock on the walls, a reminder of my father, and all his integrity.

i know that i shouldn't let it get to me, but it does and who am i kidding?
a dead end job and a lack of family.
THIS TOWN REALLY GETS TO ME.

wake up you're a drama queen, carry on like you're supposed to be.
get way, hurry up, come on. get away, gotta get up and go.

break out from the drama scene, stick around it'll bury me.
get away hurry up come on, this is becoming a catastrophe!

i've made up my mind, took time to think of everything i could do.
it may be hard, but i'm trying hard to comprehend where i quit and where i should begin.

i've been avoiding this

since i don't feel like typing out the WHOLE story, i suppose i'll just paraphrase it:

alex(former best friend) texts me after she reads my response to her immature bulletin, telling me that ANNA told her and hope that taylor and i were shit talking the both of them. and saying things like her and alex(ex boyfriend) don't care about me enough to go through the trouble to hurt my feelings and she "didn't know" we were still friends on myspace and all this other complete bullshit. she continues by insulting taylor and i's friendship, calls us cunts and bitches and then tells taylor to go fuck me. my initial response was "well, alright if that's what you think" but eventually i say 'sorry for hurting your feelings' because taylor and i said we didn't want her to go to the atal concert with us. (which is reasonable, i think. and not considered shit talking.) so two days later we all meet up- taylor, me, hope, and alex- and discuss it. and anna had told them a bunch of bullshit so they, in turn, told anna that i shit talked her. which i would never ever do. anna was my very best friend. i never expressed anything but concern for her. (like when she got back together with the boy that drove her to try to kill herself and landed her in a mental institution.) there were lots of tears. and thankfully, i made alex feel like a big piece of shit for dating my abusive exboyfriend. "i can hardly look at you, haylee," she said, as i'm sobbing in the middle of the waffle house over the complete chain of backstabbing that has been going on. anna has yet to talk to me. i'd really like to say something to her, but i just can't find the words.

yesterday i had an emotional breakdown. i'm failing anatomy miserably, i've been single for 9 months, and i have one friend(don't get me wrong, taylor's the best friend i've ever had and more than i could ever ask for). so i feel like a giant piece of shit. what am i going to do if i can't get through this?

i should have my own reality show

i can't say much of anything. besides "wow."


mhm. my best friend until about three weeks ago is dating my ex boyfriend. and seeing as how she's never posted a bulletin in her life, she did this just so i would see it. do i know why? do i know what the fuck i did to make someone want to get so much revenge on me? NO, I DON'T. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. and i don't fucking get how anna could know about this and not only keep it from me by completely ignoring me, but actually supporting it. every single one of my friends hated that guy until three weeks ago. i've never felt so absolutely betrayed in my whole life. so, this was my response:

"so i've been thinking to myself about what i'm going to say to you, if anything at all. i know this is all you want, to get some sort of reaction out of me and if you think that you've "won" by causing me to respond, then so be it.

i'd rather not to this on a public, online medium, but since you've started it that way i suppose that's the way i'll finish it.

i have absolutely no idea what in the world i could have done to make you feel the need to get so much revenge on me. but since you have, this is what i have to say: i have never in my life felt so betrayed. SO betrayed by so many people that i considered very dear friends. i don't know why you're so angry at me. i'm thinking it's because we stopped talking? stopped hanging out? neither of you ever tried to contact me. not once. so i don't see what the problem is here. you didn't talk to me, and i didn't talk to you. but somehow i'm at fault? so much fault that you go and do this? but you know, i'm thankful i stopped being friends with you, because if this is how you really are, then i guess we were never real friends in the first place.

as for your utterly immature tactics, for your little plan to work, i'd have to actually have some sort of feelings besides disgust for alex alman. and well, i don't. and i haven't for 9 months. so i don't really understand what you're trying to do here. break my heart? i guess i'll continue to try to fathom WHY you would want to do something like that, because the only thing that hurts me here is the fact that you're trying so hard to do so.

and anna- i can't believe you. there is so much i want to say to you, but i just can't.

oh, and also: margaret, samantha, alexis, kayla, mary, and myself send you our regards. alex was the worst thing that ever happened to me. i'm sure you remember all the stories i told you. i hope you have health insurance.
enjoy :)"

ah, teenagers.

hahahaha ohhhh my god. so, tell me why anna, my "best friend" has stopped talking to me and i mean has completely ignored my calls and text messages, coming to town without telling me, BEFRIENDING MY EX BOYFRIEND? yes, everyone. alex alman. i get a call today telling me that apparently, alex's facbook status says "has a hot date tonight :)" which i honestly and truly(thank god) do not care about. but what i do care about, what hurts my feelings is that anna "liked" it. i know, this online community bullshit. it's stupid. but that doesn't mean that it can't bother me a little, does it? and again, other former best friends are hanging out and talking to him, like he's just some normal guy. like he hasn't ever completely shattered a human being, especially not someone whom they've claimed to be dear friends with. it sounds juvenile, and i agree that it is. which is why i've cut all of those people out of my life but they seem to keep creeping up on me. taylor and i had a long conversation about this today.

why such a low blow? why, to "get me back" would you go as far to befriend such a terrible person, not because they're cool or you actually enjoy their company, but specifically to hurt me, by almost saying "look here, look at what i'm doing, haylee." here's another big reason i want to get the fuck out of here. get me away from these people.

on a lighter note, i attracted a brownie today. the entire day, in my room, i've been smelling brownies. i don't know why, no one has made brownies here recently. but even last night, i kept smelling brownies. so today, my mom comes in to give me food and with is it a little brownie that she got at mcallister's. weird, huh?

electric feel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtUI5MC9tVM

i want to somehow magically hop into this music video.
they're such weirdies, i love it.


*sigh*
Haylee VanWyngarden- that sounds good, right?